You don’t really feel that way. I know what you’re trying to do here and it won’t work. Stop being so sensitive! You’ve got to get a thicker skin. I know what’s really going on in that head of yours. If I were you I’d find it hard to live with myself.
Ouch! These and all the snide and cruel comments people say during disagreements just beg you to have something smart on the tip of your tongue. Something that would put them in their place once and for all. Something that would show just how smart you are and how truly ludicrous they are.
But you freeze. Or your mind goes blank. Or you’re so angry or hurt that you can’t think clearly. Later, while on your evening jog or in the shower, you think of the absolutely perfect comeback. Too late, though.
And probably just as well.
The problem with most good comebacks is that they’re not smart comebacks. Good comebacks are often witty responses that put the other person in their place. They’re used to demonstrate that you have a nimble mind, even in conflict, to show that you're equal to their challenge, or to prove that you're at least as smart as they are (and maybe smarter). They feel good for a moment.
The really smart comebacks get to the heart of the matter without inflaming the situation further. They seek whatever result you really want instead of the brief satisfaction of wittiness during the heat of the moment. Smart comebacks:
- Are measured, thoughtful responses that show you're paying attention.
- Address the real issues or concerns that lie beneath the other person's challenges or complaints.
- Are door-openers to better understanding---they invite the other person into more effective conversation.
- Save your wit for better uses, such as thinking and acting strategically.
One way to slow yourself down and distract yourself from the quest for a good comeback is to ask these two question instead: What are we really talking about here? And is the way we’re doing it getting us somewhere? Redirect the conversation to answer those questions together. You’ll find that your need for a good comeback goes away when you begin the real conversation you’ve been trying to have.
Get your complimentary copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversations at work and home.
Dr. Tammy Lenski is a dialogue jump-starter, an expert at helping people talk out their differences and build stronger work and home relationships in the process. Tammy has helped individuals, work teams and entire organizations make their peace with conflict for almost two decades. Known for approaching sticky situations with an educator’s heart, professional mediator’s skill, and a creative’s instinct, she taps her background as an organizational leader, college professor, executive coach and mediator to serve clients who don’t just want to settle conflict but use it to transform their organization or themselves.
Tammy writes extensively about workplace conflict, coaching, and resolution at Lenski.com, where you can find over 400 articles to jump-start your own dialogues.
Source: www.articlealley.com
